Not the Same

shutting down contact with someone is NOT the same as writing ever-longer letters detailing why you should both stop writing each other and why you're afraid of continued exchanges.

they are not interchangeable.

and after all this, i still don't even know if i like him. sponsor says leave alone. i say... nothing. i just... keep writing. about why i need to stop writing. fooling no one. and what i wanted to write: i seek revenge on all mankind, and you are the current target. do i have actual feelings for this child, or do i just... want to win him to prove my father's legacy false. i can win love, haha! and then, will i actually care about this man, who pings and pangs, just a little, for me.

just a little.

because i must remind myself; liking josh is not the issue. i just don't think i'm doing this for good reasons. and every letter, is just a step in a direction that... leads somewhere clouded and cold. i don't know where it leads. or i do know, and it isn't pretty. and i'm wilfully avoiding thinking about it.

am i learning how to relate to people, or am i just warping everything to fit my own mental battlefield?

and what does god say?

maybe i should talk to her.

Funny Story...

so tonight, i went out to dinner. by myself, as usual, cuz i'm all cool and isolated like that, thanks for asking... and there's this guy at a nearby table. he's with two other guys. they're talking. and i'm thinking, "dude, is that R? it looks like R, and he's talking real-estate agent talk, but c'mon... R is a texan, i am in texas, and there are lots of real-estate agents, so it could be anyone."

for those of you playing the home version, R is a gay guy i met through a boring girl i met at my home group. M is sweet, but i don't enjoy her company, and am trying to lessen her presence in my life, or lessen my presence in hers. both. but she is a self-admitted bad judge of character. then she takes me to a gay and lesbian aa meeting one night along with R. R is an ex meth addict with nine days sober, living with and still fucking his ex-boyfriend, and "used to be a circuit boy, when [he] was skinnier." clearly, my cup of tea...

so i'm looking for an apartment at the time, and R offers to help, being a real estate agent and all. so we meet a few days later, he shows me some crappy apartments, tries to pressure sell me one of them, we make awkward shallow conversation and share an awkward meal, during which we talk about people of various races whom we have slept with. and after its all over (thank god) i realize that R is not someone i want in my life, does not have my interests at heart with this apartment hunting, and i will not be talking to him anymore. i ignore his calls and messages. done.

so this unknown guy, begins bitching. BITCHING! about how his entree came before his appetizer, and he's going to tell them to take it back to the kitchen and keep it warm, and bring it back when he's had his spring rolls, no, he's going to have them THROW IT AWAY and make it fresh. and of course, all the while, homie is digging in. and i'm thinking, "who the hell IS this bitch? where do these evil evil people come from?"

and then, as i sit there drinking water, one of the bitch's friends leans away, and yes, it is R, waving at me and saying "hi!"

i wave back, and smile, and say hello. R asks how i'm doing. "not bad, not bad." and we continue to ignore each other. and i watch them when i can, and ignore them when i can't, and just wonder at it all. and i eat my dinner, and pay, and spill a little ice on myself, but laugh, because i know i'm trying to enforce the difference between them and me, and playing all cool and chill, which i honestly mostly feel. i feel all right. like i get proof that i've made a good decision. i feel all right enough to laugh when i spill ice on myself. cool.

and i leave, and wave goodbye, and walk across the parking lot, noting how much quieter the whole group was after R noticed me, and thinking, "now, now is when R gets to tell the story of how much of a bitch and a wierdo i am!" and i smile. because its just so funny, us little humans and our shit.

and i smile because, drug addictions aside, i am not R. and that feels really good.

A Situation, and a Lot of Thinking

so philadelphia roll; not just a rather irritating form of sushi (for godsakes, just buy a friggin' bagel and some lox and creamcheese and leave the nice japanese man with the big knife ALONE!!!) but my nickname for a cute guy i met on okcupid. his real name is justin, and as you've probably guessed, he lives in philadelphia. but onwards to the issues...

i've been using the internet to use people. ever since breaking up with scott, i've been drinking to some extent, and i've been using the internet to find people, insinuate myself into their lives, lap up all the benefits of emotional connection, and then freak out if and when there is a real life meeting... and i get completely jealous and all sorts of other "real relationship" crap too! i expect them to be able to respond promptly, i get pissed if they plan trips without informing me... its like this elaborate fantasy relationship only without the threat of failure that accompanies relationships in the real world.

this accomplishes SO MUCH!!! GOD! its like i'm multi-tasking even in my dysfunction!

it allows me to feel emotions in a safe environment, feel liked and attended to, when i have not a care for the other person's own emotional welfare or what they're getting or what they want.

it allows me to put off dealing with my own emotional fragility, my own shit. my own sexual issues (oh yeah, i so often forget i was kind of sexually assaulted during my adolescence, by a woman...)

it allows me to perpetuate an emotional "victim" state by flying off the handle when the other person is under the impression we are simply e-penpals, which we are, only i have this whole fantasy built up.

and the fuck of it is, i'm doing this all over again with philadelphia roll, and it sucks, and i want to stop it. and i want to tell him why i feel like i should stop talking to him. only it just isn't that deep. sure, i have this "thing," about him, but i could just be a pleasant diversion for him. i hope i am... if not, i may have actually managed to hurt someone who has actual emotions. something i never managed to do to scott. unfortunately. because you haven't felt impotent until you break up with someone, list the reasons, and they say, "yup, it all makes sense to me. see you around." i'm not used to being emotionally effectual. it just isn't something i assume.

and the best part, the BEST part! ho ho ho! you know how scott was a robot? well, justin's ex has referred to him as a robot as well. they broke up because justin wasn't emotional or romantic enough. granted, this ex seems to have some pretty high expectations and seems like an ass-hole, but that's beside the point.

i haven't grown an INCH in my ability to choose healthy romantic prospects! an INCH!!! HAH!!! HAAAhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

this is conjecture. as i said, justin might have emotions, which would mean i've been using and marginally manipulating someone who could actually be hurt by it.

and i just want it all to stop. this obsessive behaviour, this shitty feeling, this perpetual construction of doomed situations, all of this... just SHIT! that i keep creating... and its all SO over the top, because the issue at the core is that i haven't learned to take care of MYSELF emotionally. i'm bad at it. and this is all just a whole other set of spinning wheels that link back to my own just... stuff... i don't know. i get too much of my identity from my relations to others. and that's something to break. so here we are.

my sponsor left me with a riddle a few nights ago; "what are you willing to give up to have peace in your life?" i'm willing to give this shit up. i'm willing to just let all this go. i'm tired of it. i'm ready to spend some quality time with me and god.

so justin, i'm sorry.

the other night, during a meeting, the chairperson said "the saying is that we are terrified of being powerless. its more accurate to say were terrified of being even more powerless than we could even imagine."

i disagree. i'm terrified that i'm more powerful than i've ever been lead to believe. and actually, i'm also terrified that i'm powerless. but mostly, its the power, the possibility of power, that frightens me.

powerless is just the name of the game.

Lift-off

so for all my old readers (i'll let you know personally...) "Using Words As Blunt Instruments" seems to have run its course... this, is the new and better blog! well, its new... if you've stumbled here, you already know the address is mangoplant.blogspot.com. if you haven't, well, that little bit of information is just stupid and useless.

about me: i'm your basic abnormal soon-to-be graduate student. living alone in austin, texas. in a new little apartment he's just leased. currently unemployed. attending AA with a vengeance.

about that...

yes, my name is Satchel Pooch, and i'm an alcoholic. i have just over two months sober at the moment. i didn't have a terrible bottoming out, nor was i drinking overly long. this is what we like to call "preventative maintanence." i am a pain in the ass for my sponser, who has been heard to remark, "you can't be too stupid for AA, but you can be too smart. and you, my man, are on the cusp of being too smart for this program." i do take a sick sense of pride in this. but mostly, i just try to remind myself to be stupid. stupidity is the path to progress, at this moment in time...

so this blog might not be fun. it will mostly, i'm sure, be mental masturbation; a safe place to spin my wheels and just vent. vent and vent and vent and vent until i'm all blown out and gaspy. and sobriety seems a little easier for a little while.

and the name is for the mango pit i'm growing on my back porch. the little guy just sprouted up yesterday, and i want more than anything, to care for that little sprout, and nurture it. i want it to thrive.

are you sensing a metaphor? maybe i just have gas...

welcome back, guys...

i hope i grow to be better than ever.

that we might all reap the benefits.