Pain

"i can deal with some psychic pain,
if it'll slow down my higher brain..."

when you're quoting elliott smith songs, you know you're in a bad place.

i'm tired. i'm tired of being tired. i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

and i'm tired of being miserable.

and i don't know how to fix it. i don't know how to let myself be something other than miserable.

this whole higher power thing... it ain't working. i can't do it. giving things up to god isn't something i do. admit i'm powerless over certain events, sure. no problem. obviously true. but believing that by putting my faith in a higher power i will find the peace to navigate life's tempestuous waters? not so much. sorry guys, but i can't do it.

i can work on my issues. i can try new ways of interacting with the world. i can try to take some deep breaths and think of how to attack the next problem. but just *poof* giving it all up... no.

and when i try to "talk to god," it helps for a little bit. but its wierd. and i'm still lonely. and i'm doing things wrong. i keep feeling like i'm supposed to get over this loneliness all by myself, with god's help. that i'm not supposed to need anybody, and i'm not supposed to feel the need for people in my life. that its a sign of weakness. and i'm still feeling like i'm too much of a wreck to insert myself into anyone's life. and right now, i desperately, desperately need someone to care about me. i want to feel something that isn't this confusion and strangeness. that isn't myself ripping myself down before i can even build myself up. i really just want to feel like a human being. and i don't remember how...

mom thinks i should let myself make some friends. and i'm so afraid to... i'm too fucked up. and i'm too scared. scared i really am too fucked up. scared of making myself vulnerable. scared of so many things that would be ridiculous if the fear weren't so crushingly potent. so omnipresent.

and if the tears weren't so close... i'm afraid if i start crying i'll never stop... i'll break into a million secret silences, a million empty hallways leading to nowhere. a million little hurts. a milliong gnawing fears and sadnesses, each needing to be bathed in my own tears, my own misery made tangible.

i don't think i'm very happy right now...

i sort of want to die...

not in a suicidal way... i just want things to stop. i want a time out from life. i want time to deal with these things. because tomorrow, i go back to school, and dive right back into work. and i have no time until three weeks from now, when the semester ends. and sleeping enough to retain sanity is a laugh since i'm so clearly already a bleeding nutcase... so that frees up my schedule a bit.

i haven't watered my plants in two weeks. they're all dead. i think the tree this blog is named after is dead.

the cat, is still alive.

i think i need to seriously start working on feeling better. this is what we like to call "an untenable situation". it can't last. something, as they say, has gotta give.

i need to sleep so i can function tomorrow.

there'll be more. but of what nature, i cannot say.

adieu.