questions
sigh...
i've been in a funk. and its not snoogie's fault. nor is it harcourt's fault. i'm not sure who's fault it is. i'm not sure the finding of "fault" is the point of it all. in fact, i'm pretty sure its not. so what is the point? why to drain the abcess, of course! to try and bleed these feelings, this pus, this ick out of me. that's what blogging is for, and i've apparently forgotten that. i don't actually blog much anymore. or write. i used to like the feeling of putting my feelings out there to be dissolved into the seething sea that is the internet. now i hoard them like pearls. and that isn't what feelings are for.
i fear so many things these days... among them the sharing of myself and my feelings. scratch that, reverse it. i fear my feelings in the first place, and i'm ashamed of them. i feel like i'm just supposed to be this happy, serene person, bopping along, happily accepting all that gets thrown my way, learning to deal with life, being a scrappy young girl reporter in this man's city, etc. but i'm not. sometimes i'm unhappy. like recently. and you know what, being unhappy is all right. i'm okay. the point is to recognize that i'm unhappy in the first place, do what i can to remedy the situation, and just feel the rest, and let it pass. because it will pass.
i just made my cat rap along with biggie. it was great. then he bit me.
so ashamed of feelings. this is most apparent in the aftermath of snoogie. that really freaked me out. every time i start being happy, it inevitably turns into me trying to maintain it rather than letting it roll away, and roll back. snoogie fucked me up. not snoogie, but the episode. feeling all those... feelings... its so embarassing to me. so overwhelming. it was scary. and so i've been trying to ignore it, just force things along, rather than look at where i actually am. and unwilling to talk about it with anyone, analyze it, figure things out for the time being, and let it pass into the past, where it belongs. snoogie and everything. there are some people i have to call. talking to them will help. i know it.
i'm so silly... yes. so i ignore, cover over, withdraw... recently, i've been on a program of withdrawal, and it needs to stop. its not healthy. because its all right to feel, its all right to talk to people about one's feelings, and i'm okay. i mean, what else to people talk about other than their shit? sports? whatever.
so i've been funky. and i've started work. a part time night job with harcourt, scoring tests. and i knew i wouldn't like it. and i knew it would be hard. emotionally. and i don't like it, and it is hard emotionally, but i'm way more upset about it than i should be. its just a temporary job, until i find something i really want to do. and its all right not to like it. all i have to do is go and perform well, and not think about it overly much. it didn't help to be reading about our current government's education policy while i started work either. in fact, too much news. i'm going on a news sabbatical. no more current events that make me angry and that i can't actually do anything about anyway. i'm taking a break.
self help books will have to trump molly ivins for the time being.
so i am going to shift focus from irritation-inducing large picture books, and focus on my own personal health. i think that's a good plan. i'm okay. the things i decide to do are okay. but what else is going on? i've been feeling this crushing sense of history repeating. of feeling lonely, and working at harcourt, and wow, i really understand now why i was drinking before. i mean, i've always pretty much understood that. its pretty clear. but it's not the same situation. generally, i'm healthier now than i was before. i'm sober, and harcourt is temporary, and trying to rush life, to rebel against it, isn't going to help matters. forward progress is made a step at a time. and in the meantime, recognizing my unhappiness will paradoxically allow me to be happier. history is not repeating. i'm all right.
so about people... i've been avoiding school people, as i've been avoiding school in general. because it was the mental and emotional equivalent of a rape. a violation. and i probably still look at it as a failure in some way. which it wasn't. it was a success, considering how difficult it was. i passed all my classes. my work was as good as it could have been at the time. i couldn't have done any better, being where i was. and i was better than okay. and i'm okay now. with the potential to be much better than okay in the future. so whenever i'm ready, school peeps will be there. and they probably wouldn't even make me talk about school if i didn't want to. i don't have to explain anything, really. even though i feel the need. well, i tried it out, it was making me unhappy and unhealthy, and i stopped. and that's all right. and i'm all right. in fact i'm better than fine.
i have to find a meeting time that will work, since work kills my eight o'clocks. i can make it to the noons, though. and i'll learn to do that. and it will make me happy.
my sponsor... i feel as though i'm failing him. AND I'M NOT A FAILURE! AT ALL!!! i've tried to fail, all my life, and i never can manage it! i am a success! I AM A SUCCESS! and i can be successful in the future. i need to finish my fourth step. and you know what, that's a good plan for this week. that's a good goal. i can finish it this week, and vomit it up to him this weekend. and be done done done. i can be done with it. and i will feel much better. and i will be better than fine. and i'm okay right now.
i'm still a little, or more than a little, fucked up over zach. but even rachel says that she's just keeping her head down, keeping her nose out of it, and letting whatever happens, happen. its the only way. i cannot change him. i cannot rearrange him. i'll be here for him, whatever happens, whenever it happens. i love him, even though i don't think i like him. nor do i respect him. but that's not the point. he's my brother, and i love him, and there's nothing i can do, and it will all work itself out. god, grant me the serenity, to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference. i love you zach. and i'm sorry.
so what else is there? i actually feel somewhat better already. and the blog is here should i need it again. so i think that's it for the moment. i might actually watch "a very long engagement" tonight. i've basically bought it from hollywood video, its so late at this point... might as well watch it.
it'll be good for me!
and i'm better than fine. i'm a good person, and a kind person. and i deserve better than donuts. i deserve good people in my life. and i deserve to be happy as much as anyone else. and at the very least, i'm okay.
i've been in a funk. and its not snoogie's fault. nor is it harcourt's fault. i'm not sure who's fault it is. i'm not sure the finding of "fault" is the point of it all. in fact, i'm pretty sure its not. so what is the point? why to drain the abcess, of course! to try and bleed these feelings, this pus, this ick out of me. that's what blogging is for, and i've apparently forgotten that. i don't actually blog much anymore. or write. i used to like the feeling of putting my feelings out there to be dissolved into the seething sea that is the internet. now i hoard them like pearls. and that isn't what feelings are for.
i fear so many things these days... among them the sharing of myself and my feelings. scratch that, reverse it. i fear my feelings in the first place, and i'm ashamed of them. i feel like i'm just supposed to be this happy, serene person, bopping along, happily accepting all that gets thrown my way, learning to deal with life, being a scrappy young girl reporter in this man's city, etc. but i'm not. sometimes i'm unhappy. like recently. and you know what, being unhappy is all right. i'm okay. the point is to recognize that i'm unhappy in the first place, do what i can to remedy the situation, and just feel the rest, and let it pass. because it will pass.
i just made my cat rap along with biggie. it was great. then he bit me.
so ashamed of feelings. this is most apparent in the aftermath of snoogie. that really freaked me out. every time i start being happy, it inevitably turns into me trying to maintain it rather than letting it roll away, and roll back. snoogie fucked me up. not snoogie, but the episode. feeling all those... feelings... its so embarassing to me. so overwhelming. it was scary. and so i've been trying to ignore it, just force things along, rather than look at where i actually am. and unwilling to talk about it with anyone, analyze it, figure things out for the time being, and let it pass into the past, where it belongs. snoogie and everything. there are some people i have to call. talking to them will help. i know it.
i'm so silly... yes. so i ignore, cover over, withdraw... recently, i've been on a program of withdrawal, and it needs to stop. its not healthy. because its all right to feel, its all right to talk to people about one's feelings, and i'm okay. i mean, what else to people talk about other than their shit? sports? whatever.
so i've been funky. and i've started work. a part time night job with harcourt, scoring tests. and i knew i wouldn't like it. and i knew it would be hard. emotionally. and i don't like it, and it is hard emotionally, but i'm way more upset about it than i should be. its just a temporary job, until i find something i really want to do. and its all right not to like it. all i have to do is go and perform well, and not think about it overly much. it didn't help to be reading about our current government's education policy while i started work either. in fact, too much news. i'm going on a news sabbatical. no more current events that make me angry and that i can't actually do anything about anyway. i'm taking a break.
self help books will have to trump molly ivins for the time being.
so i am going to shift focus from irritation-inducing large picture books, and focus on my own personal health. i think that's a good plan. i'm okay. the things i decide to do are okay. but what else is going on? i've been feeling this crushing sense of history repeating. of feeling lonely, and working at harcourt, and wow, i really understand now why i was drinking before. i mean, i've always pretty much understood that. its pretty clear. but it's not the same situation. generally, i'm healthier now than i was before. i'm sober, and harcourt is temporary, and trying to rush life, to rebel against it, isn't going to help matters. forward progress is made a step at a time. and in the meantime, recognizing my unhappiness will paradoxically allow me to be happier. history is not repeating. i'm all right.
so about people... i've been avoiding school people, as i've been avoiding school in general. because it was the mental and emotional equivalent of a rape. a violation. and i probably still look at it as a failure in some way. which it wasn't. it was a success, considering how difficult it was. i passed all my classes. my work was as good as it could have been at the time. i couldn't have done any better, being where i was. and i was better than okay. and i'm okay now. with the potential to be much better than okay in the future. so whenever i'm ready, school peeps will be there. and they probably wouldn't even make me talk about school if i didn't want to. i don't have to explain anything, really. even though i feel the need. well, i tried it out, it was making me unhappy and unhealthy, and i stopped. and that's all right. and i'm all right. in fact i'm better than fine.
i have to find a meeting time that will work, since work kills my eight o'clocks. i can make it to the noons, though. and i'll learn to do that. and it will make me happy.
my sponsor... i feel as though i'm failing him. AND I'M NOT A FAILURE! AT ALL!!! i've tried to fail, all my life, and i never can manage it! i am a success! I AM A SUCCESS! and i can be successful in the future. i need to finish my fourth step. and you know what, that's a good plan for this week. that's a good goal. i can finish it this week, and vomit it up to him this weekend. and be done done done. i can be done with it. and i will feel much better. and i will be better than fine. and i'm okay right now.
i'm still a little, or more than a little, fucked up over zach. but even rachel says that she's just keeping her head down, keeping her nose out of it, and letting whatever happens, happen. its the only way. i cannot change him. i cannot rearrange him. i'll be here for him, whatever happens, whenever it happens. i love him, even though i don't think i like him. nor do i respect him. but that's not the point. he's my brother, and i love him, and there's nothing i can do, and it will all work itself out. god, grant me the serenity, to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference. i love you zach. and i'm sorry.
so what else is there? i actually feel somewhat better already. and the blog is here should i need it again. so i think that's it for the moment. i might actually watch "a very long engagement" tonight. i've basically bought it from hollywood video, its so late at this point... might as well watch it.
it'll be good for me!
and i'm better than fine. i'm a good person, and a kind person. and i deserve better than donuts. i deserve good people in my life. and i deserve to be happy as much as anyone else. and at the very least, i'm okay.
posted by satchel at
8:20 PM
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