Fallout

well, for the few who read this blog, i suppose i should give a post-holiday update.

or just try to make sense of things and let you come along for the ride. let's be honest, this blog was never for you, god bless your poor hearts. its always been for me.

i tried to go home twice already. i'm still in san antonio. every time i tried to get ready to go back to austin for more fun graduate school hijinks, i panicked. fear, anxiety, the shakes, a little bit of nauseau, the whole works. i like to say i was a step away from a panic attack, but i'm a known exaggerator. but still. not fun.

as i'm sure you've gathered, this entire semester was not fun. in fact, it was really miserable. i didn't let myself know it was miserable, because to acknowledge it would have meant feeling overwhelming pressure to do something about it. and i didn't have time to both complete all my work, AND deal with my life issues. so i buried. i called my mother every night, close to tears, tried to figure out what needed to happen the next day, went home to sleep for a few hours, and got up to do it all over again.

and none of what i was doing felt real. there was no reason for it, no aim, no goal that i could understand. it was just apparently misery. because i've had some time to decompress, and there are just layers and layers of trauma... i feel hurt, i feel in pain, and i feel no closer to any sort of idea about what my life is.

and so i've decided to put off graduate school indefinitely. and it makes me feel stupid, for throwing away an opportunity i worked so hard for. it makes me feel guilty, because i feel like i'm letting myself down, as well as my family and friends, who have been so supportive. and it makes me feel like a failure, like i'm weak and couldn't hack it. it makes me feel like a large number of sad and unhappy things.

because josh is school. josh is a creature who thrives in academic environments. josh works hard to succeed, and is unhappy when he doesn't do well, and will apparently wreck himself in order to achieve. and i did achieve. i got four b minuses and a b for the semester, which still left me on academic probation. despite my body's best efforts, i remained conscious during my final studio review. and my studio professor questioned whether i really had it in me to be an architect. my projects drifted aimlessly, and well... they weren't very good.

the best part of the semester was when i wrote a short story for my final project in theory class. it was good. i read it out loud, and everyone clapped, moreso than for any other project. that felt good, even though my leg was shaking under the table from nerves while i read.

so josh completed a semester, and passed all his classes. he did it. and he is in no hurry to do it again. i can't. i can't stomach it again. even if i take fewer hours. even if i don't know what. i'm throwing in the towel for now. i can't do it anymore. and you know, i'm tough. i work hard. damn hard, if someone plants a nice kick in my ass. i put aside my personal misery so i could finish my professional responsibilities, just like adults are supposed to. and now, i need to deal with my own shit, and i can't do that if i live at school.

i want to keep some plants, and not have them die. i want to spend more time with my cat. i want to clean my apartment, and get some furniture for it. i want a stupid, brainless job that leaves me some time to write, and do things that make me happy. i want to go to more aa meetings. i want to start doing yoga again. i want to quit smoking. i want an actual life. i want the chance to be happy.

so i'm leaving graduate school for the time being. and i don't know if i'll go back. and i don't know if i care. and i know life can't stop while i sort my shit out, but i need at least a fighting chance, or this shit will kill me.

and the fuck of it is, it all leaves me back where i was before. not so lonely anymore, but drifting, unsure of where i'm supposed to be heading, or where i fit in, or if i'll ever make a life for myself that makes me happy and content. and the point is partially to be content regardless of where you are in life. but the point is also to make decisions that are good for you. and much as i desire the easy structure and straightforward demands that school provides, i can't do it right now. its not the way.

so say goodbye for now, to that longheld dream you had josh... of the idealistic and noble architect, shaping men's lives and shaping the environment as though you were the right hand of god. pack away your own dreams of being that man. you've held on to them a long time, and they may never come to fruition. but for now, you've given them the best shot that you can. and they aren't as shiney and optimistic as they once were.

i'm tired, and scared of what's ahead, but i hope to soon feel hopeful. and sometimes, when the light catches it just right, i am very, very happy to be free of school. i feel light. lighter. and i really do believe, most of the time, that this is the right decision.

i am not a failure.

i am a success.

i am doing the right thing, even when it hurts like hell, and makes me feel like an idiot, and makes me wonder if i am a failure.

i will get through this.

and from the other side, i will thank god, and glory in my freedom and love.

and the journey, will become such a wondrous story to tell...

and in each story is the world.