Long Time No Blog

i forget to write in this for long, long, looong periods of time... not forget, but just... don't.

i'm tired. and no longer miserable, but not happy. i'm busy.

school started about a month ago. never, have i ever been as busy as i have been the past few weeks. its ridiculous. i'm no longer losing my mind, but for a while, i totally was. not pleasant. i hate that just being around people makes me nervous and edgy... every class is a double whammy of taking in masses of information while also trying to be aware of my wall and its current status.

you know, The Wall. the wall i throw up when feeling threatened and unable to deal. the magic aura of "kindly leave me the fuck alone, i'm staring blankly into space and cannot be bothered." its good. i'm real good at it. i can detach like a motherfucker.

i'm healthy...

i've been wondering lately which binds people together more tightly, the bonds of love, or the shackles of hatred. i can think of a great many people i'm still married to in my hatred. well, at least one or two. and i need to let them go. i need to get that divorce. i can't afford to be in this union of spite anymore.

but then, love and hate go hand in hand, and i'm rather lonely and adrift these days... i'll check back on all this later.

listen to sufjan stevens. immediately. thank me at your leisure.

i'm... curious. i don't know where i'm going right now. i'm confused. i'm overworked. but i'm surviving.

ah, here's the pressing thought. or one of them. i'm having those funny thoughts again. the ones where i inevitably get into ideological scraps with people and have fallings out (because this is life, after all) and win my quiet little victories against them, and go on about my life. i just don't know. i'm still very deprogrammed at the moment. i'm writing new programs, but it takes a while. but i almost have five months sober. or dry. one of the two... i'm just really not sure where i'm going.

but i probably don't have to know.

as long as i keep moving my feet.

i want to write a story about how my shiny mech-dad breaks down, and in a fit of pygmalion-inspired masochism, i can't get him repaired so i install part of his metal brain in a boy-friend bot. and the familiarity is comforting and allows my dad to live on in a way, but also inspires the same intense ambivalence that my real dad inspires. this is my plan. do not let me forget.

my kitten is growing into a miniature cat. one day, he'll be a full sized cat, but in the meantime, he gets bigger and bigger.

he's cute.

i feel really fucked up sometimes.

and i still like hannibal lecter way too much.