Not the Same

shutting down contact with someone is NOT the same as writing ever-longer letters detailing why you should both stop writing each other and why you're afraid of continued exchanges.

they are not interchangeable.

and after all this, i still don't even know if i like him. sponsor says leave alone. i say... nothing. i just... keep writing. about why i need to stop writing. fooling no one. and what i wanted to write: i seek revenge on all mankind, and you are the current target. do i have actual feelings for this child, or do i just... want to win him to prove my father's legacy false. i can win love, haha! and then, will i actually care about this man, who pings and pangs, just a little, for me.

just a little.

because i must remind myself; liking josh is not the issue. i just don't think i'm doing this for good reasons. and every letter, is just a step in a direction that... leads somewhere clouded and cold. i don't know where it leads. or i do know, and it isn't pretty. and i'm wilfully avoiding thinking about it.

am i learning how to relate to people, or am i just warping everything to fit my own mental battlefield?

and what does god say?

maybe i should talk to her.