A Situation, and a Lot of Thinking
so philadelphia roll; not just a rather irritating form of sushi (for godsakes, just buy a friggin' bagel and some lox and creamcheese and leave the nice japanese man with the big knife ALONE!!!) but my nickname for a cute guy i met on okcupid. his real name is justin, and as you've probably guessed, he lives in philadelphia. but onwards to the issues...
i've been using the internet to use people. ever since breaking up with scott, i've been drinking to some extent, and i've been using the internet to find people, insinuate myself into their lives, lap up all the benefits of emotional connection, and then freak out if and when there is a real life meeting... and i get completely jealous and all sorts of other "real relationship" crap too! i expect them to be able to respond promptly, i get pissed if they plan trips without informing me... its like this elaborate fantasy relationship only without the threat of failure that accompanies relationships in the real world.
this accomplishes SO MUCH!!! GOD! its like i'm multi-tasking even in my dysfunction!
it allows me to feel emotions in a safe environment, feel liked and attended to, when i have not a care for the other person's own emotional welfare or what they're getting or what they want.
it allows me to put off dealing with my own emotional fragility, my own shit. my own sexual issues (oh yeah, i so often forget i was kind of sexually assaulted during my adolescence, by a woman...)
it allows me to perpetuate an emotional "victim" state by flying off the handle when the other person is under the impression we are simply e-penpals, which we are, only i have this whole fantasy built up.
and the fuck of it is, i'm doing this all over again with philadelphia roll, and it sucks, and i want to stop it. and i want to tell him why i feel like i should stop talking to him. only it just isn't that deep. sure, i have this "thing," about him, but i could just be a pleasant diversion for him. i hope i am... if not, i may have actually managed to hurt someone who has actual emotions. something i never managed to do to scott. unfortunately. because you haven't felt impotent until you break up with someone, list the reasons, and they say, "yup, it all makes sense to me. see you around." i'm not used to being emotionally effectual. it just isn't something i assume.
and the best part, the BEST part! ho ho ho! you know how scott was a robot? well, justin's ex has referred to him as a robot as well. they broke up because justin wasn't emotional or romantic enough. granted, this ex seems to have some pretty high expectations and seems like an ass-hole, but that's beside the point.
i haven't grown an INCH in my ability to choose healthy romantic prospects! an INCH!!! HAH!!! HAAAhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
this is conjecture. as i said, justin might have emotions, which would mean i've been using and marginally manipulating someone who could actually be hurt by it.
and i just want it all to stop. this obsessive behaviour, this shitty feeling, this perpetual construction of doomed situations, all of this... just SHIT! that i keep creating... and its all SO over the top, because the issue at the core is that i haven't learned to take care of MYSELF emotionally. i'm bad at it. and this is all just a whole other set of spinning wheels that link back to my own just... stuff... i don't know. i get too much of my identity from my relations to others. and that's something to break. so here we are.
my sponsor left me with a riddle a few nights ago; "what are you willing to give up to have peace in your life?" i'm willing to give this shit up. i'm willing to just let all this go. i'm tired of it. i'm ready to spend some quality time with me and god.
so justin, i'm sorry.
the other night, during a meeting, the chairperson said "the saying is that we are terrified of being powerless. its more accurate to say were terrified of being even more powerless than we could even imagine."
i disagree. i'm terrified that i'm more powerful than i've ever been lead to believe. and actually, i'm also terrified that i'm powerless. but mostly, its the power, the possibility of power, that frightens me.
powerless is just the name of the game.
i've been using the internet to use people. ever since breaking up with scott, i've been drinking to some extent, and i've been using the internet to find people, insinuate myself into their lives, lap up all the benefits of emotional connection, and then freak out if and when there is a real life meeting... and i get completely jealous and all sorts of other "real relationship" crap too! i expect them to be able to respond promptly, i get pissed if they plan trips without informing me... its like this elaborate fantasy relationship only without the threat of failure that accompanies relationships in the real world.
this accomplishes SO MUCH!!! GOD! its like i'm multi-tasking even in my dysfunction!
it allows me to feel emotions in a safe environment, feel liked and attended to, when i have not a care for the other person's own emotional welfare or what they're getting or what they want.
it allows me to put off dealing with my own emotional fragility, my own shit. my own sexual issues (oh yeah, i so often forget i was kind of sexually assaulted during my adolescence, by a woman...)
it allows me to perpetuate an emotional "victim" state by flying off the handle when the other person is under the impression we are simply e-penpals, which we are, only i have this whole fantasy built up.
and the fuck of it is, i'm doing this all over again with philadelphia roll, and it sucks, and i want to stop it. and i want to tell him why i feel like i should stop talking to him. only it just isn't that deep. sure, i have this "thing," about him, but i could just be a pleasant diversion for him. i hope i am... if not, i may have actually managed to hurt someone who has actual emotions. something i never managed to do to scott. unfortunately. because you haven't felt impotent until you break up with someone, list the reasons, and they say, "yup, it all makes sense to me. see you around." i'm not used to being emotionally effectual. it just isn't something i assume.
and the best part, the BEST part! ho ho ho! you know how scott was a robot? well, justin's ex has referred to him as a robot as well. they broke up because justin wasn't emotional or romantic enough. granted, this ex seems to have some pretty high expectations and seems like an ass-hole, but that's beside the point.
i haven't grown an INCH in my ability to choose healthy romantic prospects! an INCH!!! HAH!!! HAAAhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
this is conjecture. as i said, justin might have emotions, which would mean i've been using and marginally manipulating someone who could actually be hurt by it.
and i just want it all to stop. this obsessive behaviour, this shitty feeling, this perpetual construction of doomed situations, all of this... just SHIT! that i keep creating... and its all SO over the top, because the issue at the core is that i haven't learned to take care of MYSELF emotionally. i'm bad at it. and this is all just a whole other set of spinning wheels that link back to my own just... stuff... i don't know. i get too much of my identity from my relations to others. and that's something to break. so here we are.
my sponsor left me with a riddle a few nights ago; "what are you willing to give up to have peace in your life?" i'm willing to give this shit up. i'm willing to just let all this go. i'm tired of it. i'm ready to spend some quality time with me and god.
so justin, i'm sorry.
the other night, during a meeting, the chairperson said "the saying is that we are terrified of being powerless. its more accurate to say were terrified of being even more powerless than we could even imagine."
i disagree. i'm terrified that i'm more powerful than i've ever been lead to believe. and actually, i'm also terrified that i'm powerless. but mostly, its the power, the possibility of power, that frightens me.
powerless is just the name of the game.
posted by satchel at
11:48 PM
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