Like a Gangbang, But in a Bad Way

so i wrote out most of my sex inventory last night/this morning. wow. it was longer than i thought it might be, and more alcohol fueled than i thought it might be. awesome. it also just makes me seem like a depressingly sad person. i mean, wow. so much random obsession and lack of the ability to do anything constructive about it... i'm willing to give a lot of shit up if it means a little more peace and sanity in my life.

its just sad. sad to suddenly see that i'm still such a child. and in a larger frame of reference, to see that i attach so much importance to romantic relationships. as though they were the equivalent to the guaranteed love i'm seeking, because that's such a realistic thing to seek in the first place...

that hole in my being? the one that makes me ache with loneliness? i think i should go back to trying to fill it with cake rather than cock. cheaper, safer. except i have diabetes. but let's ignore that for the sake of this argument.

i'm actually pleased. i really am just looking for some form of connection. i haven't made a real new friend in two years. my life is super empty. i just really want to meet someone i "click" with. maybe when school starts. which is all too soon and too far away at the same time. i don't feel ready. i'm pretty afraid. but i suppose that's just something to work on. k

so anyway, i am trying to do a gratitude list. it feels silly, but i'll give it a shot.

i have a place to live. a nice place to live, without anyone to bother me.

i also am in fact alive. which is better than the alternative, i think.

i have diet soda.

i have a family that loves me, that knows when something is wrong before i do, and cares enough to try and do something to help.

i have fried foods.

i have money.

i have a lovely car that gets me from place to place.

i have a nice bed.

i have a slew of lovely plants that i haven't managed to kill yet.

i have a kitten, who frightens me, but will be a good pet.

i have friends who love me. lots. and who i love a lot.

i am sober, and working hard to stay that way.

i have webcomics.

i can cook.

i am not a drooling idiot.

i am fun to be around when i don't have the death-cloud hovering over my head.

lets leave it at that for now. i actually feel better for this. the list, and just posting. so lets be happy, and i'll keep you updated.