Empty and Still

i'm beginning to take on water. in the sinking boat way.

i'm having trouble figuring out this "relationship with a higher power" business. i'm really not comfortable with it, in many ways. its not something i was raised with; at least, not in the way i seem to need it now.

when i do talk to god, i feel better. but it takes a lot of effort. its hard. and it just seems to drill home even more this idea of powerlessness.

i am powerless. and i don't like that. its not very... empowering, this powerlessness...

i am lonely. i am a lot of things, and not too many feel very positive right now. but this loneliness...

i've long sort of half-desired a scar. i don't have... scratch that. i have a fair number of scars. some from surgeries, recent and far past, and some from the ridiculousness of childhood. but i remember where they all come from. there is a story from each one, and even if it isn't the right story, its something, something from a past and a childhood that grow more and more nebulous and dreamlike every day.

but i'm now realizing/remembering that there are other scars than the outwardly visual ones. this loneliness in me, i feel it scything my skin. this emptiness inside, leaves little lacerations like invisible knives. and though i pull my thousand tourniquets tight against my skin and struggle forward, i am not sure that they will really heal as i tell myself they will. i am unhappy, and its making me ask for things from people that they have no ability to give, and that are my own responsibility to provide, with god's help.

and so i prolong my own misery.

i feel very lost. adrift and taking on water, unable to row for home or bail fast enough. its a painful truth that, often, the right thing is a very unpleasant thing to do, and in fact may make you miserable. and fuck me but i sent an e-mail that i now want to unsend and can't.

i have mortgaged my present with a hope for the future. and i'm sinking. and i don't know how to fix it, or don't want to.

i have a family who loves me and cares about me.

i have friends who love me and care about me, and miss me as much as i miss them.

i am in architecture school, in austin, and doing the best i can, and my best is enough, because i can't do more.

i went to a halloween party this weekend, didn't drink, and had fun.

i still have sufjan stevens, and he makes me happy.

even people who don't know me well like me.

i am not actually fat. i just think i am. and i am wrong.

i have a kitty who loves me.

i watered my plants and took out my trash.

i made an awesome halloween costume, and got to dance, and it was very fun, and good for me.

i am still sober, after almost six months, and will start doing more stepwork soon, which will make me feel even better.

i am capable of love, worthy of love, and a good person.

and i am done for now.