Echo Chamber

hello all. so i'm just sort of... empty. the program is starting to fuck with me. like, all this introspection and aa speak... i feel like i've evacuated my entire personality to some as yet undisclosed location. in the meantime, i'm this hollow shell of whatever i was before. and i don't remember what i was before, because i have to trace back pretty far to even get to before. the me living in san antonio after college wasn't before. and it was drunk. and i'm not even sure how much of college was me? does it mean something that i avoided alcohol for so long? did i ever use "healthily?"

so now i'm in this limbo... i don't know what i am, i'm not sure what i was, and i don't know what i want to be. meanwhile, i need to start preparing for school so i can stop feeling completely UNprepared. i have a kitten to take care of (that's a good thing. i'm actually starting to be happy about it.) and mostly, our dog had to be put down last friday. i got home just in time to say goodbye. and that... that's a good fucking. i'm really sad about it, and i'm trying not to dwell, because that seems dangerous. i'm trying to stay positive. but my life is so empty in so many ways... loneliness mostly. so its just like the fact of chester's death is floating around in this empty shell i am, echoing forever because there's nothing to absorb the impact.

and someone i was spending a fair amount of time with, who came into the program about the same time as me, seems to have gone out, and is in a bad place. he won't talk to us, isn't coming to meetings, seems to be having trouble with the folks at his sober house, had to go to the hospital for reasons he won't be clear about... bad. so i'm sad about that, even though i could see it coming.

as far as good news, someone started a listserve and group for my architecture class. so that's exciting. and i got to formally introduce myself to and hang out with guy C at the meetings, who i have been looking at for some time now.

now i just need to keep myself from throttling anyone out of sheer blissfulness if i end up with a proto-friend... i would like my days of scaring people away to be over. and i need to not be obsessed. i can't afford it. i need to talk to god is what i really need to do. but i can't even get to a place where such a thing is easy or positive. i keep getting in the way. jeebus... what a mess.

i also haven't been willing to share in meetings recently. i'm isolating myself, which isn't good. but i just don't know what to say. it all seems like the unrelated and unhelpful crap that's clanking around in my head. no one needs to hear that... but i should talk to someone. i was talking to mom earlier today. i probably should call her back before she goes to bed.

i just... i don't know. i don't know where i am, and there are no signposts. no directions. there are... i just need to keep busy, and do things. start dealing with school stuff, obsess over that. thats a good idea.

but in the meantime, i'm still empty, and i don't know if just preparing for school will help.

i should shave.

i'm really afraid of sex. alot. i think that's part of why i feel the need to punish people i like or am involved with. they must feel pain for making me vulnerable, and bringing these feelings of fear to the fore... i'm healthy.

i'm goint to call my mom. i'll talk to you more later. peace.

Like a Gangbang, But in a Bad Way

so i wrote out most of my sex inventory last night/this morning. wow. it was longer than i thought it might be, and more alcohol fueled than i thought it might be. awesome. it also just makes me seem like a depressingly sad person. i mean, wow. so much random obsession and lack of the ability to do anything constructive about it... i'm willing to give a lot of shit up if it means a little more peace and sanity in my life.

its just sad. sad to suddenly see that i'm still such a child. and in a larger frame of reference, to see that i attach so much importance to romantic relationships. as though they were the equivalent to the guaranteed love i'm seeking, because that's such a realistic thing to seek in the first place...

that hole in my being? the one that makes me ache with loneliness? i think i should go back to trying to fill it with cake rather than cock. cheaper, safer. except i have diabetes. but let's ignore that for the sake of this argument.

i'm actually pleased. i really am just looking for some form of connection. i haven't made a real new friend in two years. my life is super empty. i just really want to meet someone i "click" with. maybe when school starts. which is all too soon and too far away at the same time. i don't feel ready. i'm pretty afraid. but i suppose that's just something to work on. k

so anyway, i am trying to do a gratitude list. it feels silly, but i'll give it a shot.

i have a place to live. a nice place to live, without anyone to bother me.

i also am in fact alive. which is better than the alternative, i think.

i have diet soda.

i have a family that loves me, that knows when something is wrong before i do, and cares enough to try and do something to help.

i have fried foods.

i have money.

i have a lovely car that gets me from place to place.

i have a nice bed.

i have a slew of lovely plants that i haven't managed to kill yet.

i have a kitten, who frightens me, but will be a good pet.

i have friends who love me. lots. and who i love a lot.

i am sober, and working hard to stay that way.

i have webcomics.

i can cook.

i am not a drooling idiot.

i am fun to be around when i don't have the death-cloud hovering over my head.

lets leave it at that for now. i actually feel better for this. the list, and just posting. so lets be happy, and i'll keep you updated.

Smells Like Cheese

i am back in austin, after almost a week in san antonio. i am sitting in front of my computer at three in the morning. none of my plants managed to die. i now own a kitten, though it is staying with my sister for a few days for post-operative care. not that the little hobgoblin needs it... he's already jumping around like a spastic... kitten. like a normal, furry, ridiculously cute kitten. this thing is deadly cute. he's all fluffy, and soft. he has a dark tail and ears, and cafe-au-lait body, and white undermarkings. also, he has raccoon markings on his face, and blue eyes. he is super, terrifyingly, sell your loved-ones cute.

i am terrified of this kitten. i'm just not sure i have the love to give it. or, i'm afraid of giving love to anyone or anything. its been a while. i'm convinced i'm not good at it. regardless, i'm putting a moratorium on horror books for a few months, and i'm pretty sure he isn't evil. in fact, he's super good-natured and smart. or he will be smart, after natural aging knocks the kitten-stupid out of him. and i still don't know what to name him.

i'm constantly tired. life feels like a lot. and if i want to finish my fifth step before my three month anniversary, i need to WORK! lots. the eighth. its coming up. last chip for three months, saving any random desire chips i decide to pick up... but yeah... i need to like, actually do shit and shit. but my kitchen is up and running, i went grocery shopping, and made my own dinner tonight, with leftovers for tomorrow. i even did most of the dishes! go me! i rock!

and i picked up a new copy of the big book, since i seem to keep misplacing my old copies, which i'm sure isn't a sign of ANY underlying psychological ANYTHING! i really need to do my sex inventory tomorrow. clearly, i should do it in some public place. it would be fun.

mr. philadelphia hasn't e-mailed me back in close to a week. granted, i think he's still on vacation, but regardless, he's in trouble. oh yes. he is in trouble. do you think it might be an issue how i tend to make the lives of those i love a living hell? i'm not sure... i just tend to like to keep people on their toes... boredom is a sad sad thing, after all... but no, really... he's in trouble. i don't know what to do about it, but something... something fun. some small, depraved little punishment... a little thimble of revenge. just a little, because i mean, we don't really know each other all that well, and our relationship is e-based, and i know its not really his fault... but just a quick tug on whatever little hooks i have in him... and oh, but i have some little hooks in him... its wrong to treat people like toys... i think i'm going to have to deal with that eventually...

well, my jasmine plant is doing well. it put out a bunch of new growth, but is also getting ready to bloom again... i will take my pruning snips and put an end to all such nonsense tomorrow... now is not the time to be focusing on energy-intensive blooming... now is the time for leaves and roots. i will let it bloom... someday. there is plenty of warm weather left. my avocado pit is taking its own sweet time with things... the tap-root is getting long, but i keep waiting for an audible *crack!* when the pit opens for the shoot... i know it doesn't work that way, but still... i can dream... everyone else seems to be doing well... i relocated the begonias to the back patio to lessen their chances of getting sunburned. the lime tree is now out front, along with the mango, and i pulled a leaf off the lime in the hopes of starting a new branch. all the small pots got water tonight, and the two large ones get water tomorrow.

i need to shop for school supplies... there's nothing like the thought of the impending drop of hundreds of dollars to make one feel... icky... i need to get on a normal sleep schedule so i can make classes also. this update, is not helping me with that goal...

i really need to do my sex inventory. and i have nothing pertinent to say. nothing deep.

look, i'll call you when i'm feeling deep...

later.