Mann-handled
this post will be a two parter... or have two parts... or something.
first off, the dream.
i love aimee mann. i think she is the best thing fucking ever. she is mega tall (almost six feet), super talented, and a virgo (born on september 8, 1960).
so i suppose i shouldn't be surprised that i finally had a dream about her. i was somewhere. and i'm walking around. it feels plastic and flat, with lots of yellowish light, sort of like a mall. and i bump into: aimee mann. and she's tall and lanky, and looking for something. and we get to talking, aimee and i. and we very quickly skip the random bullshit and get to know you blah blah blahs, and get to the heart of the conversation. i am very clear about my love of her, and she is very clear about a great many things. in fact, i realized later on, after i woke, that it was really not just aimee, but super aimee. she is as intelligent and incisive in dream reality as she is in her songs, wonderfully wise, knowledgable, and sadly introspective and observant.
so aimee/emissary of something and i have a long conversation. we talk about life and people. i tell her how strongly i feel about her, and i even offer to help her with whatever errand she's doing. partly to help, partly to prolong my time with her. i'm afraid to let go of this moment too quickly. because how often do you meet aimee mann? and how often do you meet aimee mann crossed with hints of something larger than mere people? so i run around helping her out, looking for stationary or something equally mundane, or it might have been something full of symbolic meaning. unfortunately, i don't remember.
at the end, it seems like we're sitting on a bus, conversing again. and its so odd, because she knows how much of a rabid-crazy-fan-girl-fan i am, and it doesn't necessarily make her comfortable, but she understands. and we both understand that there will be no second time. we will not be meeting again. this is a one shot deal. and it makes me sad. and i'm not sure if she's sad, but she understands that i am. and so we chat, and the bus stops or something, but we're back at the flat plastic place we started in, and we say "i'll see you around," and i am sad because i know its not true, and she smiles wryly and knowingly, and maybe just a little bit sadly, but i'm probably making that last part up. but she half smiles, for the same reason. and we part ways, aimee and i.
i didn't remember this after i woke up. i was going through my day, doing something, and it all came back and hit me, hard. i met aimee mann in a dream. and now its a day or two after that, and i'm finally writing it down. so its incomplete, and spotty, but there it is. and it was when i was mulling it all over that i realized aimee was more than aimee in my dreams. i think she might have been an emissary of my conception of the divine (which we will not get into right now...), and i feel like her message was that, though we can be sad, and tell little lies that we know are lies, we must move on, and sometimes things only happen once. life is just that way.
i don't know though. it all sounds pompous and self-important now. but its sticking with me, this amber light and aimee mann. i really just couldn't tell you, i suppose. because i don't really know.
in other news...
work was tolerable today. i think my current tubing set for my insulin pump is dodgy, because my sugar refuses to get under control, and i haven't eaten a donut in two days now. one day. i need to stop eating donuts, period. i keep trying to tell myself i deserve more than donuts. i am the person who coined the phrase, "there is a great hole inside me, and i'm going to fill it with cake." eating, particularly sweet, sugary, carbohydrate-laden things, has long been a method of trying to fill the emptiness in me, and i think many can relate. i also marathon sleep when i'm distressed, and pretty much do anything in an addictive, binge manner. video games, knitting, reading, etc. oh, masturbating. that's a good one.
anyway, work was better, actually, and i'm trying hard to get my sugars under control. we'll check in a minute and see how we're doing. and work is having the desired effect. i'm very, very close to making a list of things i want and need to accomplish. its scary how much more productive one becomes when one makes a list. so that's a good thing. and i'm trying to write again, trying to keep a steady purge going, so i don't choke on my own bile, and maybe find the hard nuggets that have been stuck in my system and blocking me up. i'm unfortunately stuck on this snoogie business. i'm trying to get over it, but its hard. but i'm very sad about it. i'm sad i got all vulnerable and emotional with someone who lives far away and who i will never meet. it makes me foolish and silly on top of the hurt and sadness of just being rejected.
not that i feel ready for any sort of romantic involvement... but that's part of it. i'm trying to keep myself permanently off the market because i feel fucked up, and fat, but i got all mushy anyway. sigh...
i also had a strange thing with the past bubbling up today. i had a lot of random thoughts or recollections about less than savory moments from my childhood and adolescence, and my entire life, really. and i tried to imagine myself at those moments, and tell that child, that kid, that person, that its all right, that they're okay, and there's nothing they have to feel ashamed of. they didn't do anything wrong, and i love them, and they are worth love. actually, i'm adding a lot to that list right now. i really just hugged them and told them they were okay. but you know... i suppose that's what it is in long format.
one bit of the past was a story i wrote during sophomore year of college, about a romantic episode that embarasses me now, but that was important at the time. in a way. but i kept it to work on later, and i found it five years later, a few days ago. so i read it over to see what i could salvage from it. and i'm not sure yet. but its making me want to write something... anything. so that's a good thing too. but just another little bit of the past, sneaking up and confronting me. its just the name of the game today, i guess.
so anyway, i think i need to write that list. and then i might start getting things done. and wouldn't that be nice?
in the meantime, i think i'll fart around my apartment for a bit, and eventually try to sleep.
fun, right?
first off, the dream.
i love aimee mann. i think she is the best thing fucking ever. she is mega tall (almost six feet), super talented, and a virgo (born on september 8, 1960).
so i suppose i shouldn't be surprised that i finally had a dream about her. i was somewhere. and i'm walking around. it feels plastic and flat, with lots of yellowish light, sort of like a mall. and i bump into: aimee mann. and she's tall and lanky, and looking for something. and we get to talking, aimee and i. and we very quickly skip the random bullshit and get to know you blah blah blahs, and get to the heart of the conversation. i am very clear about my love of her, and she is very clear about a great many things. in fact, i realized later on, after i woke, that it was really not just aimee, but super aimee. she is as intelligent and incisive in dream reality as she is in her songs, wonderfully wise, knowledgable, and sadly introspective and observant.
so aimee/emissary of something and i have a long conversation. we talk about life and people. i tell her how strongly i feel about her, and i even offer to help her with whatever errand she's doing. partly to help, partly to prolong my time with her. i'm afraid to let go of this moment too quickly. because how often do you meet aimee mann? and how often do you meet aimee mann crossed with hints of something larger than mere people? so i run around helping her out, looking for stationary or something equally mundane, or it might have been something full of symbolic meaning. unfortunately, i don't remember.
at the end, it seems like we're sitting on a bus, conversing again. and its so odd, because she knows how much of a rabid-crazy-fan-girl-fan i am, and it doesn't necessarily make her comfortable, but she understands. and we both understand that there will be no second time. we will not be meeting again. this is a one shot deal. and it makes me sad. and i'm not sure if she's sad, but she understands that i am. and so we chat, and the bus stops or something, but we're back at the flat plastic place we started in, and we say "i'll see you around," and i am sad because i know its not true, and she smiles wryly and knowingly, and maybe just a little bit sadly, but i'm probably making that last part up. but she half smiles, for the same reason. and we part ways, aimee and i.
i didn't remember this after i woke up. i was going through my day, doing something, and it all came back and hit me, hard. i met aimee mann in a dream. and now its a day or two after that, and i'm finally writing it down. so its incomplete, and spotty, but there it is. and it was when i was mulling it all over that i realized aimee was more than aimee in my dreams. i think she might have been an emissary of my conception of the divine (which we will not get into right now...), and i feel like her message was that, though we can be sad, and tell little lies that we know are lies, we must move on, and sometimes things only happen once. life is just that way.
i don't know though. it all sounds pompous and self-important now. but its sticking with me, this amber light and aimee mann. i really just couldn't tell you, i suppose. because i don't really know.
in other news...
work was tolerable today. i think my current tubing set for my insulin pump is dodgy, because my sugar refuses to get under control, and i haven't eaten a donut in two days now. one day. i need to stop eating donuts, period. i keep trying to tell myself i deserve more than donuts. i am the person who coined the phrase, "there is a great hole inside me, and i'm going to fill it with cake." eating, particularly sweet, sugary, carbohydrate-laden things, has long been a method of trying to fill the emptiness in me, and i think many can relate. i also marathon sleep when i'm distressed, and pretty much do anything in an addictive, binge manner. video games, knitting, reading, etc. oh, masturbating. that's a good one.
anyway, work was better, actually, and i'm trying hard to get my sugars under control. we'll check in a minute and see how we're doing. and work is having the desired effect. i'm very, very close to making a list of things i want and need to accomplish. its scary how much more productive one becomes when one makes a list. so that's a good thing. and i'm trying to write again, trying to keep a steady purge going, so i don't choke on my own bile, and maybe find the hard nuggets that have been stuck in my system and blocking me up. i'm unfortunately stuck on this snoogie business. i'm trying to get over it, but its hard. but i'm very sad about it. i'm sad i got all vulnerable and emotional with someone who lives far away and who i will never meet. it makes me foolish and silly on top of the hurt and sadness of just being rejected.
not that i feel ready for any sort of romantic involvement... but that's part of it. i'm trying to keep myself permanently off the market because i feel fucked up, and fat, but i got all mushy anyway. sigh...
i also had a strange thing with the past bubbling up today. i had a lot of random thoughts or recollections about less than savory moments from my childhood and adolescence, and my entire life, really. and i tried to imagine myself at those moments, and tell that child, that kid, that person, that its all right, that they're okay, and there's nothing they have to feel ashamed of. they didn't do anything wrong, and i love them, and they are worth love. actually, i'm adding a lot to that list right now. i really just hugged them and told them they were okay. but you know... i suppose that's what it is in long format.
one bit of the past was a story i wrote during sophomore year of college, about a romantic episode that embarasses me now, but that was important at the time. in a way. but i kept it to work on later, and i found it five years later, a few days ago. so i read it over to see what i could salvage from it. and i'm not sure yet. but its making me want to write something... anything. so that's a good thing too. but just another little bit of the past, sneaking up and confronting me. its just the name of the game today, i guess.
so anyway, i think i need to write that list. and then i might start getting things done. and wouldn't that be nice?
in the meantime, i think i'll fart around my apartment for a bit, and eventually try to sleep.
fun, right?
posted by satchel at
9:22 PM
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